skepticgirl_1 | the static or the silence; don't know which is worse

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jake vickers

the static or the silence; don't know which is worse

I had noticed something strange going on.

I wasn't an expert or anything on Jake. Even though we lived together, we kept a respectable distance away from each other. I didn't want to know all the details of his business anymore than he wanted all the details of mine. But the past couple of days, ever since I had found him at that bar, things had been off.

He had gone out, but judging by the timing of when he left and when he came back, he hadn't been going to work. I had school, but also a pretty flexible schedule that let me out early some days. When I wanted to notice something, keep track of something, I did. And keeping track of Jake made me... well, worried.

I came home from school to find him sitting on the couch, watching TV, and I decided enough was enough. I threw my bag onto an armchair and sat myself, cross-legged and facing Jake's profile, on the couch.

"Okay," I said in a firm but demanding voice. "Spill."

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"Spill what?" Jake asked, playing dumb. He knew what she was asking but he didn't know if he was ready to talk about it, admit to it, face up to what he'd done with someone else. He was still ashamed and could still feel the heavy weight of disappointment wrapped around his neck like a vice.

The only way he'd found to ease the guilt was to fill his days with activity. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't. Today, it wasn't really working. He was just bored and angry and now Lois was trying to talk to him which was the last thing he wanted to do.

"I'm watching telly," he told her, nodding at the television. "Nothing to spill."

"Oh, please." I was borderline insulted by his insinuation that I didn't know what I was talking about. I knew people generally well enough to have a sense about this, but I knew Jake better than any kind of random guy.

"You're being weird." I poked him gently in the shoulder to get my point across. "I don't know how exactly or why, but you're being weird. Weirder than your normal Welsh weird."

"I'm being weird? How? Because I'm watching telly?" Jake asked, making a face and reaching over to poke her back. "What's Welsh weird, anyway? Is it different than Scottish weird? Irish weird?"

Maybe if he could get her off the topic of what was going on with him, she'd forget she even asked and he wouldn't have to figure out a way to lie to her or how to tell the truth without making himself sound completely shitty.

"You're American weird."

"I don't know Scottish or Irish weird, I just know you and you're Welsh and therefore you're Welsh weird." I swatted at his hand, failing to thwart his poke, but I poked him again, harder this time.

"And you're evading the issue," I pointed out. "Something's up and you're acting strange. If you don't tell me, I'm going to have to start guessing. Or start investigating you myself."

I didn't think Jake wanted that. I don't think either of us wanted that.

Jake sent her a warning look for that statement. He didn't want her investigating anything having to do with him but he knew she would. She'd go nosing around down at the station, a place he couldn't really be right now, figure things out and come back and probably be angry at him too for being a massive fuck up.

"Why do you think I'm acting weird?" Jake asked her. "Because I'm watching telly? Because I had a few drinks the other day? What's makes me weird? Come on, I need to know this before I say anything so I can avoid doing it next time."

I sighed in frustration. I took back my hand, made a fist out of it and gently thumped the back of the sofa with it. He knew exactly how he was being weird, but he was making me jump through hoops to get to the bottom of it. I didn't like it, and frankly it was pushing me towards going another direction with this, investigating in another way. If he left it as my only option, I'd take it.

"You're being, like... sullen!" I said, reaching for the word. "You're moping. You're doing stuff but you're not doing things like you normally do. Not with your normal... whatever, personality." I frowned deeply at him. "And I don't think you're going to work."

"What, are you following me?" Jake asked, half serious. He wouldn't put it past her to actually have followed him. When he left during the day, he tended to hole up in bars or the library even if he didn't read much. Sometimes he wandered the outskirts of the city, sometimes he hung out at the beach.

"I'm gone for hours and I come back. You don't think I'm working while I'm doing that?" She had good intuition but Jake wasn't going to admit that so easily.

"No!" I scoffed. Like I had nothing better to do than to stalk my own guardian. Like he had said before: he was an adult. He was capable of taking care of himself. I was just curious, observant and had reason to be.

"The car's cold," I answered, almost a challenge. "It's freezing out today. You wouldn't have gone to work without being in the car. You had to go somewhere closer." Maybe he did enjoy taking a walk in the cold. I mean, I had to, because I lacked both a driver's license and a car. But I felt like it was a pretty solid lead.

"You checked my car?" Jake asked, both impressed and a little terrified that she'd been that concerned. He sighed and shook his head at her. She was going to get into so much trouble in her life that Jake wouldn't be able to protect her from or shield her from.

"But, it's not that cold," Jake told her, scoffing. "I've walked in worse. It's refreshing, wakes you up in the morning so you're ready to go for the day."

He would have absolutely taken his care if he'd been going to work but she didn't need to know that. "You can drop this at any time, you know. It's not a big deal. I'm fine, you're fine, we're all fine."

I shrugged because it was no big deal. The car was just the obvious option. He was lucky that I hadn't put a tracker on him. I could probably sneak one onto his phone when he was sleeping, like parents do with their kids, to at least know where their phone is if not the kid.

"Say "fine" one more time," I told him casually. "It totally drives home the fact that you're fine and that everything's fine. It doesn't sound suspicious at all."

"Is that a request?" Jake asked her, tilting his head and smiling serenely. He singsonged the next words because he was a jackass. "I'm fiiiiiine."

He even managed to paste on a smile, bright and fake and forced. "You act like you're not happy to see me when we're home at the same time. You trying to have boys or girls or something over and can't because I'm here?"

Edited 2018-03-08 16:15 (UTC)

"I have plenty of hot dates over when you're not around. I'm satisfied without having to kick you out," I said casually, as if I'd drop the subject.

As if.

I poked him again. And again and again.

"Stop trying to change the subject and stop lying to me," I insisted, my voice straining just a touch over the words. I didn't like this. I didn't like that Jake was blatantly hiding something from me. It completely messed with our dynamic.

"Would you quit it?" Jake exclaimed, tilting away from her and scowling. "I'm on vacation, okay!"

That wasn't a lie necessarily. He was on a forced vacation so he'd left an important word out but it still didn't count as a lie in Jake's mind. He didn't even like admitting that much because his father wouldn't have taken a vacation. Not even when his mother had gotten sick had he stopped to really take care of her.

"Can't a guy have a few days off to be a fat, lazy slob?" Jake asked her. "That's what I'm doing. Being a slob with no commitments for awhile."

"You would have just said that to begin with!" I shot back, exasperated. I didn't know why he was holding onto this so strongly. Were I someone else, were he someone else, it would have made me back down, at least a little. But I was a Lane and he was Jake and this could not stand.

"Why are you on "vacation"?" I asked with air quotes, because I didn't buy "vacation" for a second. "What do you need a break from?"

"What do people usually take vacations for?" Jake asked her, frowning. "Has no one in your life taken a vacation before? It's not such an unusual thing, Lois. I've been here for over a year now, I think, and I haven't once taken a vacation day except when I was in the hospital."

His ribs hadn't let him go back to work immediately. "I'm fine!" Just in case she'd forgotten, he was fine. He was okay.

"I'm just taking a break."

I huffed. I took a great, big intake of breath and let it out in a sharp huff that telegraphed my displeasure. I shifted my legs so that my knees were to my chest, and I hugged them there so I could rest my chin on my knees.

I stared at him. I stared at him with all the strength I could muster, making my disappointment, my annoyance, my anger clear. I would just stare him down until he broke.

I could stare for hours.

"What are you doing?" Jake asked her, frowning and trying to ignore her while he watched the telly. He could feel her staring and it was starting to crawl up his spine. But, if she was just going to stare, he figured he could ignore her.

"Stop staring at me," Jake told her, frustrated. "Go stare at someone or something else if you're really in need of giving your eyes a workout. You're going to give yourself a headache and annoy me."

"That's kinda the point, genius," I snapped. I shouldn't have said anything, just let my eyes do the talking, but I couldn't resist getting a word or five in there.

"I'm gonna wait until you finally tell me what's wrong," I said. "And if that involves sitting on this couch and staring at you or following you around the house and outside, I'm gonna do it." I would be there when he cracked, no matter what.

"Are you really going to interrupt your life that thoroughly because you think there's something wrong?" Jake asked, shaking his head. "Just let it go, Lois. I'm fine. You don't need to sit there and stare at me. Makes me feel like a piece of meat."

He tried to make it sound like a joke, even added a wink before turning his attention back to the television and slouching down. "What if I just tell you I have an STD? Would that make you happy?"

"No, because it would be a lie," I countered stubbornly. I could understand not wanting to tell me about an STD. But no STD I knew of required someone to be out of work for days. (That could have just been my lack of knowledge of STDs, but I felt pretty sure I would know about something that keeps you from, say, school. Except mono, which didn't count.)

I huffed again and continued to stare. I could feel my mouth starting to turn into a pout. I didn't want to do it, but if it had a chance of working, I would.

"Stop," Jake told her, crossing his arms and staring at the screen. "If you don't, I'll punt you back to the children's home."

It was the emptiest of empty threats and not one he would follow through on but maybe it would shake her enough to get her to stop staring at him. He still didn't want to tell her about this but he didn't want to be stared at either. What worse, having a teenager stare at him or having a teenager disappointed in him because he'd fucked up?

"Go to your room or something."

I frowned at him, a flash of hurt crossing my face. He wouldn't do that, I didn't think. He really, really wouldn't. But it was still an awful thing to say, even as a joke. I didn't think it was funny in the least.

It did make me question whether or not I wanted to continue pushing him. Clearly, he wanted me to back off. But the more he pushed me back, the more I wanted to press forward. Knew I had to keep pressing. Because something big was going on.

"I'm not leaving."

"Please!" Jake said, irritation creeping into his voice. She was stubborn to an insanely annoying level and while that would serve her well in her profession, it was just pissing Jake off because it was making it hard not to talk about what he'd done.

"I'm not working and I won't be working for three weeks minimum," he told her, glaring. "Maybe longer. Is that what you want to know? That I'm a giant fuck up and I fucked up maybe even more than I thought I could? Stop staring at me."

He felt like he was under a spotlight and he didn't want anyone else to see him like this, know that he'd done this.

I blinked, my jaw dropping slightly.

I had been so focused on getting an answer out of Jake that I hadn't given much thought at all to what the answer would be. I hadn't come up with a single theory for why he had been so weird, so I had no way to prepare myself for the truth.

How could Jake of all people fuck up? He wasn't a fuck up in the least. What could possibly have gone wrong?

"You're not a fuck up," I insisted, once I got my words back. "Jake, I'm so sorry. What happened?"

"I really don't want to get into it," Jake told her, shaking his head. "I fucked up badly enough for them to take my badge and gun for nearly a month. Please, I don't want to talk about what I did."

It had been embarrassing enough to walk out of there, everyone knowing what he'd done. He could have sworn people were talking about him behind his back, making fun of him, telling each other that they knew this would happen, that they should have never given him a chance.

"I fucked up, okay?" Jake told her, sighing and hanging his head. "Bad enough to get suspended so if you're planning on having any big parties, might want to reschedule them till next month."

"Jake..." I didn't know what to say to make this better, but I desperately wanted to. Jake looked absolutely miserable and it hurt to know that he was so sad, so disappointed in himself. Sure, I was disappointed, too. I didn't think he could do such a thing, anything that would make them take away his badge for so long. I didn't want to think that. But here was the fact that it had happened and my heart was heavy.

"We don't have to talk about what happened," I said. "But you're not a fuck up. I mean that. You made a mistake. Whatever it was. But you're still the best guardian I've ever had and a great friend. You're a great person, Jake, despite this."

"Yeah, sure," Jake said, finding that hard to believe. He rubbed his forehead and then sighed. "Look, I appreciate that but it's hard to really see that for myself right now. This shouldn't have happened but did because I'm an idiot."

A blind, unobservant, untrained idiot. He'd thought he'd been doing well, stepping out from his father's shadow when all he'd been doing was biding his time, waiting till he was comfortable to really shake things up in a completely negative way.

"But I don't want you to worry about me," he told her, shaking his head. "I'll be fine. I'll figure something out."

"Of course you'll figure something out," I said instantly, because I had no doubt about that. This wasn't life or death. Jake would be just fine, even with this kind of thing on his record. I didn't have personal experience with him doing his job, not much, but I had total faith that he was a good cop. That would win out.

I felt conflicted, sitting there, unsure of what to do. Until finally, very softly, I cursed under my breath and surged forward, wrapping him up in a sideways hug before he could stop me. Or I could stop myself.

Edited 2018-03-09 21:15 (UTC)

From the corner of his eye, Jake saw her move and thought, for the barest of moments, that she might be about to smack him for being a bloody prat. But no, she hugged him. Jake sat that motionless, surprised before he reached up and patted her arm. The position meant that he couldn't really return the hug but he could let her know that it was appreciated, welcome.

"Thanks, kid," Jake said quietly. "And don't take that as an insult, it's not."

He took a breath and rubbed at his dry eyes. "I'm trusting you not to tell anyone about this either. Please. I know there's a bunch of bloody loud mouths at the station so it'll get around but maybe not to everyone. Okay?"

For a second, I did think to take it like an insult. Not the fact that I was a kid, but maybe he meant it in the way that a hug was a childish thing to do, a childish way to try to make things better. I was way out on a limb here with attempting any kind of comfort, let alone physical comfort, for I felt, well, uncomfortable. The tiniest thing could set me off and on the defensive.

I pulled back so we both had breathing room -- a hug was a lot for me -- and shook my head. "I won't say a word, promise," I said, then gave him a slight, weak smile. "No one's interested in adults when they've got their own drama going on."

"I'll take your word for it," Jake said, blowing out a breath. Hopefully she'd be right and he wouldn't feel like everyone was staring and whispering about him when he next went out in public. He'd been avoiding it for the most part, going out at night and keeping his trips out during the day to a minimum.

"And don't feel like you have to stick around here to take care of me," he added, shaking his head. "I'm all right. You've got school and boys, I'm sure, so don't feel obligated, okay? I'm cool on my own. Won't even get into any trouble without letting you know first."

I rolled my eyes. "One boy," I said. Then stopped short when I realized how that sounded. "Not like that just one guy friend, don't you dare start getting ideas," I warned him hurriedly. I would not have him looking into Steve's background just because of a slip of the tongue.

Besides, there were others boys. Boys I was investigating for the purposes of justice. Not investigations I wanted Jake to get involved in.

"I won't go changing my schedule to hang out with you," I said. "But I am here. I mean, I live here. And I could almost always use some quality Jake time."

Jake arched an eyebrow at her, at that 'one boy' remark but he decided to be nice to her and not question her on it. Not right now, though. He would be asking about it when he felt better, when he was more focused on her and not his own issues. He was not going to just let a slip like that occur roll off his back, not when Lois was his responsibility.

"Thank you," Jake said, nodding at her. "I appreciate that."

He didn't know if he'd take her up on it because he was that kind of person but it was nice to know that someone was around, someone who knew what was going on and wouldn't judge him. So, he smiled and nodded.

He was grateful.

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the static or the silence; don't know which is worse

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