the static or the silence; don't know which is worse

[skepticgirl_1]

I had noticed something strange going on.

I wasn't an expert or anything on Jake. Even though we lived together, we kept a respectable distance away from each other. I didn't want to know all the details of his business anymore than he wanted all the details of mine. But the past couple of days, ever since I had found him at that bar, things had been off.

He had gone out, but judging by the timing of when he left and when he came back, he hadn't been going to work. I had school, but also a pretty flexible schedule that let me out early some days. When I wanted to notice something, keep track of something, I did. And keeping track of Jake made me... well, worried.

I came home from school to find him sitting on the couch, watching TV, and I decided enough was enough. I threw my bag onto an armchair and sat myself, cross-legged and facing Jake's profile, on the couch.

"Okay," I said in a firm but demanding voice. "Spill."

Comments

[gayest_crew]

"Stop," Jake told her, crossing his arms and staring at the screen. "If you don't, I'll punt you back to the children's home."

It was the emptiest of empty threats and not one he would follow through on but maybe it would shake her enough to get her to stop staring at him. He still didn't want to tell her about this but he didn't want to be stared at either. What worse, having a teenager stare at him or having a teenager disappointed in him because he'd fucked up?

"Go to your room or something."

[skepticgirl_1]

I frowned at him, a flash of hurt crossing my face. He wouldn't do that, I didn't think. He really, really wouldn't. But it was still an awful thing to say, even as a joke. I didn't think it was funny in the least.

It did make me question whether or not I wanted to continue pushing him. Clearly, he wanted me to back off. But the more he pushed me back, the more I wanted to press forward. Knew I had to keep pressing. Because something big was going on.

"I'm not leaving."

[gayest_crew]

"Please!" Jake said, irritation creeping into his voice. She was stubborn to an insanely annoying level and while that would serve her well in her profession, it was just pissing Jake off because it was making it hard not to talk about what he'd done.

"I'm not working and I won't be working for three weeks minimum," he told her, glaring. "Maybe longer. Is that what you want to know? That I'm a giant fuck up and I fucked up maybe even more than I thought I could? Stop staring at me."

He felt like he was under a spotlight and he didn't want anyone else to see him like this, know that he'd done this.

[skepticgirl_1]

I blinked, my jaw dropping slightly.

I had been so focused on getting an answer out of Jake that I hadn't given much thought at all to what the answer would be. I hadn't come up with a single theory for why he had been so weird, so I had no way to prepare myself for the truth.

How could Jake of all people fuck up? He wasn't a fuck up in the least. What could possibly have gone wrong?

"You're not a fuck up," I insisted, once I got my words back. "Jake, I'm so sorry. What happened?"

[gayest_crew]

"I really don't want to get into it," Jake told her, shaking his head. "I fucked up badly enough for them to take my badge and gun for nearly a month. Please, I don't want to talk about what I did."

It had been embarrassing enough to walk out of there, everyone knowing what he'd done. He could have sworn people were talking about him behind his back, making fun of him, telling each other that they knew this would happen, that they should have never given him a chance.

"I fucked up, okay?" Jake told her, sighing and hanging his head. "Bad enough to get suspended so if you're planning on having any big parties, might want to reschedule them till next month."

[skepticgirl_1]

"Jake..." I didn't know what to say to make this better, but I desperately wanted to. Jake looked absolutely miserable and it hurt to know that he was so sad, so disappointed in himself. Sure, I was disappointed, too. I didn't think he could do such a thing, anything that would make them take away his badge for so long. I didn't want to think that. But here was the fact that it had happened and my heart was heavy.

"We don't have to talk about what happened," I said. "But you're not a fuck up. I mean that. You made a mistake. Whatever it was. But you're still the best guardian I've ever had and a great friend. You're a great person, Jake, despite this."

[gayest_crew]

"Yeah, sure," Jake said, finding that hard to believe. He rubbed his forehead and then sighed. "Look, I appreciate that but it's hard to really see that for myself right now. This shouldn't have happened but did because I'm an idiot."

A blind, unobservant, untrained idiot. He'd thought he'd been doing well, stepping out from his father's shadow when all he'd been doing was biding his time, waiting till he was comfortable to really shake things up in a completely negative way.

"But I don't want you to worry about me," he told her, shaking his head. "I'll be fine. I'll figure something out."

[skepticgirl_1]

"Of course you'll figure something out," I said instantly, because I had no doubt about that. This wasn't life or death. Jake would be just fine, even with this kind of thing on his record. I didn't have personal experience with him doing his job, not much, but I had total faith that he was a good cop. That would win out.

I felt conflicted, sitting there, unsure of what to do. Until finally, very softly, I cursed under my breath and surged forward, wrapping him up in a sideways hug before he could stop me. Or I could stop myself.

[gayest_crew]

From the corner of his eye, Jake saw her move and thought, for the barest of moments, that she might be about to smack him for being a bloody prat. But no, she hugged him. Jake sat that motionless, surprised before he reached up and patted her arm. The position meant that he couldn't really return the hug but he could let her know that it was appreciated, welcome.

"Thanks, kid," Jake said quietly. "And don't take that as an insult, it's not."

He took a breath and rubbed at his dry eyes. "I'm trusting you not to tell anyone about this either. Please. I know there's a bunch of bloody loud mouths at the station so it'll get around but maybe not to everyone. Okay?"

[skepticgirl_1]

For a second, I did think to take it like an insult. Not the fact that I was a kid, but maybe he meant it in the way that a hug was a childish thing to do, a childish way to try to make things better. I was way out on a limb here with attempting any kind of comfort, let alone physical comfort, for I felt, well, uncomfortable. The tiniest thing could set me off and on the defensive.

I pulled back so we both had breathing room -- a hug was a lot for me -- and shook my head. "I won't say a word, promise," I said, then gave him a slight, weak smile. "No one's interested in adults when they've got their own drama going on."

[gayest_crew]

"I'll take your word for it," Jake said, blowing out a breath. Hopefully she'd be right and he wouldn't feel like everyone was staring and whispering about him when he next went out in public. He'd been avoiding it for the most part, going out at night and keeping his trips out during the day to a minimum.

"And don't feel like you have to stick around here to take care of me," he added, shaking his head. "I'm all right. You've got school and boys, I'm sure, so don't feel obligated, okay? I'm cool on my own. Won't even get into any trouble without letting you know first."

[skepticgirl_1]

I rolled my eyes. "One boy," I said. Then stopped short when I realized how that sounded. "Not like that just one guy friend, don't you dare start getting ideas," I warned him hurriedly. I would not have him looking into Steve's background just because of a slip of the tongue.

Besides, there were others boys. Boys I was investigating for the purposes of justice. Not investigations I wanted Jake to get involved in.

"I won't go changing my schedule to hang out with you," I said. "But I am here. I mean, I live here. And I could almost always use some quality Jake time."

[gayest_crew]

Jake arched an eyebrow at her, at that 'one boy' remark but he decided to be nice to her and not question her on it. Not right now, though. He would be asking about it when he felt better, when he was more focused on her and not his own issues. He was not going to just let a slip like that occur roll off his back, not when Lois was his responsibility.

"Thank you," Jake said, nodding at her. "I appreciate that."

He didn't know if he'd take her up on it because he was that kind of person but it was nice to know that someone was around, someone who knew what was going on and wouldn't judge him. So, he smiled and nodded.

He was grateful.